So here we are at the end of 2017. I am writing this to get my own thoughts out.
I have had a lot of time in the past weeks to reflect on us. On what happened, and how we got there. And I have come to realize a few things.
First, when I say “US” I simply mean two individuals. Not a couple. In all honesty, and in my opinion, we never really were a “couple.” There was you and there was me and we got together and kept each other company and occupied from time to time. But there never really was a “US.”
It’s a sad statement, and one I have a hard time coming to grips with, but nonetheless a true one.
If we were a “couple” then some things might have been very different. For example, you most likely wouldn’t have gotten bent out of shape when I left my toothbrush at your house. That right there was a Red Flag I missed. Or when I did something like the time I put gas in your car during your move, instead of “Oh. Hey, thanks” I got, “What are you doing? I can pay for my own gas.” Not exactly what one might expect from a couple.
The night on Ft Myers Beach when we got back together was a huge moment for us as a couple, it opened up the door for a whole new level of our relationship, too bad we blew it.
And I mean WE. Both of us have our share of the blame.
Starting with our lack of communication. Like we both said, we worried too much about pissing each other off and not enough about being honest. Well, now that we are not even calling ourselves a couple I can certainly treat you and speak to you like I do my other friends.
There were times when you pissed me off. And no, I don’t mean the gas thing. That was piddly shit and over 30 seconds later. I mean when stop and think about some of our talks. When did you, or I for that matter EVER talk about us in the future? You had your plans that you told me about and it was great you did. But none of them ever included me. Never included us. It was you and your plans.
Yes, that pissed me off. That “US” meant so little that you never seemed to entertain the idea of a “US” in the future.
I guess since you didn’t seem to have a “US” in the future I just figured I should stop thinking about a “US” in the future as well.
That was hard to do. Really hard. I felt closer to you than I have to anyone in years. I told you things that many of my friends don’t know about me. And trust me when I say that opening up is not easy for me.
You said that I didn’t know what your favorite flower was. You are right. But why? Well you never told me. We never got to that level really. I mean I could ask you who is my greatest influence. Who do I admire the most? And I bet you couldn’t answer it. One more symptom of how we failed.
There were times when I needed you and you weren’t around. As I am sure there may have been a few when you might have needed me. But since we never told each other, no blame can be assigned really.
Now since I am being honest and really at this point have nothing to lose. Allow me to address an issue that has bothered me. To speculate if you will on an issue I have where you are concerned.
I look back and can not help but think that somewhere, back there in the past, you got your heart crushed. I don’t mean broken. I mean crushed. And that has become the reason you choose isolation. It’s hard to get hurt hiding behind your wall, or in your bunker, as it may be. Trust me I know. My wall is huge and even the Chinese are in awe of it. It has taken me a lot of effort to chip away at it. Hell, it took me years to realize I built it and that I never put in a door.
Yeah, it is comfy in here. I tell myself all the time that this is it. This is where I need to be. Alone. Solitude. Isolation. That in here no one can hurt me. No one can break my heart. No one can fuck with me. In here I am invincible. I am the Punisher, Batman, and the ultimate soldier all rolled into one.
It is all BULLSHIT.
I have come to realize, that this is not where I am meant to be. This is not comfortable. Safe? Yes. Comfortable? Fuck no. I look around and realize I am staring 48 in the eye. I probably have more years behind me than ahead. So, I have had enough of this wall. Enough of the bunker. Sure, I might get hurt. But what the hell. It has happened before, and I survived. I learned. I adapted.
I have come to realize that I do need to open more. To be more honest about who I am and what I want. Not to be the timid, and scared little child I was.
If you read my Facebook posts you know that recently an old friend of mine died. She was younger than me and she is gone now. A few years back another old friend of mine died. That made me realize that I have no reason to hold back anymore. I need to say what I want and need to say and to, most importantly, LIVE.
You did help with my learning this. And with my decision to stop chiseling away at the wall I spent decades building. I have no time to chisel away. So, I will resort to what I know. I’ll blow the mudderfucker up. If I get hurt. So be it. I have decided that I, for one, am going to my grave having lived.
You talked about making memories when we discussed the cruise idea. Well, great idea and I think I will. Yes, making memories with Mariah is important. But so is making my own.
So, I will get back into scuba diving and be learning to kayak (thanks for that by the way) and living my life outside the wall.
Because you know what Mi Amigo? I have learned a very valuable lesson from this experience. Well okay, several lessons.
- I can still love and care about somebody. Other than Mom and Mariah.
- There is a whole world out there that needs to meet me. (Hell yes, I am funny and cute and all that)
- Pain fades. Scars tell a story. A life without scars was never really lived. (Seriously. Tell me you didn’t have fun trying snorkeling?)
- Pain and loss can be great teachers. If we choose to let them be.
- Life is too damned short to just work and pay bills and stumble through. So, life better watch its ass. Because here I come.
If any of this pisses you off, just know I must ask, “So what?” I mean we did agree to be open and honest with each other. What the hell do we have to lose that we haven’t already?
In closing of what started as simple little paragraph or two, allow me to say this.
I love you Mi Amigo. I am still and ALWAYS will be your friend. Even if others say I am crazy for doing it, so what? I make my choices and I live with them. I choose to be your friend.
I thank you for the lessons you helped me learn. Even the ones you never knew you were teaching me. I thank you for the shelter when it was needed. I thank you for all that you have shared and hope you, and I will share more in the future.
For now, I am off to live life. To ride this crazy ass roller coaster for all the bastard has. Feel free to join if you want.
But whatever happens, I do hope that God watches over you and your family and keeps you from harm.